Brand New EAT A BAG OF DICKS Coffee Table Coloring Book August 24, 2016 09:51

We just released an EAT A BAG OF DICKS Coffee Table Coloring Book packed with 75 f*cking hilarious 8.5x11" cartoon drawings of dicks in ridiculous scenarios. These are a few of our staff picks:

Buy our EAT A BAG OF DICKS! Coffee Table Coloring Book

Kanye West & Donald Trump Will Receive 1 MILLION Dicks For April Fools March 25, 2016 07:00

UPDATE 03/31/16: Tomorrow is April Fools and the last day of our BOGO promo. Trump is currently leading with 3,683 Bags Of Dicks to Kanye's 3,012 Bags Of Dicks.

CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM A FREE BAG OF DICKS

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BUY ONE GIVE ONE: Order a Bag Of Dicks for your friend or enemy, enter promo code KANYE or TRUMP during checkout, and we'll send that superstar a Bag Of Dicks for free!!

SUMMARY: For April Fools our customers have paid to send 6,000 (and counting!) Bags Of Dicks to Kanye West and Donald Trump. Over 15,000 people voted that both Yeezus and The Donald should eat the most Bags Of Dicks this year. We're prepped to send 10,000 Bags Of Dicks. Only one question remains: Who will receive more dicks?!

Last year humanity joined together for cause so noble that the Gods themselves trembled with anticipation.

On April 1, 2015 -- a date that will forever live in infamy -- over 5,000 Bags Of Dicks were sent to Justin Bieber and Kanye West as a result of our month long "Buy One Give One" promotion we held leading up to April Fools.

How did it work exactly? Buy a Bag Of Dicks for your friend or enemy, enter promo code KANYE or BIEBER during checkout, and we'd send another Bag Of Dicks to that superstar for free.

It was our FIRST EVER competition to answer the pivotal question: Who most deserves to eat a Bags Of Dicks?

But why Yeezy and The Biebs? Because 3,000 of our customers voted in our dumb survey asking who most deserves to eat a Bag Of Dicks, and to our expectation delight surprise those two lyrical geniuses tied for 1st (to the dismay of Yeezus faithful and Beliebers everywhere).

Our competition between these two music titans went viral in the blogosphere, and when the dust settled over 5,000 Bags Of Dicks were sent to Bieber and Kanye by our customers. 100 candy dicks in each bag = 500,000 dicks. Let that sink in...HALF A MILLION F*CKING DICKS. 300 calories in each bag = 1,500,000 calories of dick!!

At the time Shipabagofdicks.com was only a few weeks old, so we were fulfilling orders out of a studio apartment. Want to know what 1 Million dicks in a studio apartment looks like??

We were sweating our balls off fulfilling all the orders. Here's our team dropping dicks off at the Post Office:

As the One Year Anniversary of both Shipabagofdicks.com and such a momentous event approaches, we decided to bring back our "Buy One Give One" promotion. But who would covet this year's glorious title? Who is most deserving to eat a Bag Of Dicks in 2016??

To answer this question, again we called upon the good people of the Internet to vote (or die). In our March Madness-like bracket which we emailed to our customers and posted online, we started with a "Sweet 16" and there were a number of honorable mentions... Josh Duggar. Bill Cosby. Tom Brady. Jared Fogle. Nicki Minaj. Kim Davis. Drake's dance moves. Every Kardashian/Jenner.

But lo and behold, after over 15,000 votes were cast, Kanye West and Donald Trump emerged victorious and will be facing each other for the coveted title!!

In the Final Four, Justin Bieber was bested by Trump (does that mean Bieber's PR Team comeback is actually working?) and Nickelback, the bracket cinderella story, fell to Kanye.

Is Kanye vs Trump a precursor to the 2020 Presidential Election?! Looking back on the year thus far, it's not hard to see why these two polarizing giants topped our list.

"I have a big penis." "I don't have small hands." "It's huuuuuuuuuge." -TRUMP

after realizing he is the greatest living artist and greatest artist of all time.

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) February 14, 2016

Mark Zuckerberg invest 1 billion dollars into Kanye West ideas

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) February 14, 2016

Now that Shipabagofdicks.com is a year older and wiser, we aim not only to beat last year's dick count but DOUBLE it. We've moved into what looks like an abandoned airplane hanger (yes, we upgraded from the studio apartment) and prepped our order fulfillment team to send 1 MILLION dicks to Yeezus and The Donald.

1 MILLION DICKS / 100 DICKS PER BAG = 10,000 BAGS OF DICKS. THAT'S 3 MILLION CALORIES OF DICK.

To participate, order a Bag Of Dicks for your friend or enemy. During checkout enter promo code KANYE or TRUMP and we'll send that titan of industry a Bag Of Dicks for free!!

In 2015, hot off his PR stunt Comedy Central Roast Bieber edged out Kanye and was sent 2,731 of the 5,000 Bags Of Dicks. In this year's Clash Of The Titans, who will eat the most Bags Of Dicks??

How To Make Jameson Gummy Dicks March 17, 2016 07:00

Perfect for St. Patrick's Day or any day ending in 'y':

1. Buy gummy dicks.

2. Place dicks into a bowl.

3. Pour just enough Jameson (or Vodka or Guinness or pretty much any alcoholic beverage of your choice) into the bowl to drown the dicks completely.

4. Cover the bowl in plastic wrap and put in the fridge.

5. After 2 days taste a dick to see if it's infused to your liking. If not, wait another day.

6. Serve immediately, get drunk off dick, and proceed to make poor life choices.

Angry Militia Leader: Stop Mailing Us Bags Of Dicks January 12, 2016 21:01

When the Oregon Militia posted their address asking for snacks, obviously we had to act. And act we did...by blasting our tens of thousands of email subscribers with a promo code to send those 'brave souls' Bags Of Dicks. 

It's the American way to help our brothers in arms in any way we can. We're proud the Oregon Militia is enjoying our tasty Bags Of Dicks.  They could certainly use the high fructose sugar rush to help keep their stronghold safe from the Authorities, Bears, and Elderly Nature Enthusiasts. 

Their sugar highs will be high, but their lows will be very low. They'll probably crash and need to nap, which at that time I'd expect the local Feds to move in. So amusingly, in the end, bags of dicks may be how this issue finally gets resolved. Only time will tell...

Here's a link to the full video on Facebook.

Read the full story here.

And for shits and giggles, here's a 'Dick Pic':

If you'd like to participate, use promo code MILITIA for 25% OFF a Bag Of Dicks. Their shipping address is Jon Ritzheimer / General Mail [put in the 'Address' field] / Burns, OR 97720

'Merica, fuck ya!

Lightsabers Are Just Really Big Dicks December 15, 2015 07:53

Is it me, or are lightsabers just really big dick extensions? Here's a list of how:

Lightsaber Envy.

 Sword Fights!!!

They come in different shapes and sizes. And colors.

Guys would rather lose an arm than lose their lightsaber.

Pussies can use lightsabers.

And now so can old men.

And finally, of course, because of this...

So be good to your lightsaber, and it'll be good to you.

Justin Bieber & Kanye West Will Receive 500,000 Dicks For April Fools March 29, 2015 11:30

UPDATE 04/02/2015: The world has spoken. With 2,731 Bags Of Dicks to 2,319 Justin Bieber has bested Kanye West. Congrats to Justin and Beliebers everywhere!!

Click here to send a free bag of dicks to Kanye or Bieber. For real. You have until the end of day April 1!!

For April Fools over 5,000 Bags Of Dicks will be shipped to Justin Bieber and Kanye West with notes that say "Eat a bag of dicks", the result of our "Buy One Give One" promotion inspired by our survey of 3,000 email subscribers who voted that both Bieber and Yeezy should eat the most Bags Of Dicks this year.

5,000 Bags Of Dicks x 100 candy dicks in each bag = 500,000 dicks. Let that sink in for a moment...HALF A MILLION F*CKING DICKS.

300 calories in each bag = 1,500,000 CALORIES OF DICK.

My life has become candy dicks. I feel like Scrooge McDuck, but instead of gold coins I'm swimming in dicks.

My apartment has become unlivable. I have over 200 loaded boxes piled throughout what used to be a peaceful residence. That's 10,000 Bags Of Dicks which equals 1 MILLION DICKS IN MY HOME.

Here's a video tour; it's like an even crappier version of MTV Cribs. *Spoiler alert* No "magic happens" -- just loads of boxes of candy dicks.

I had to reserve a moving truck in order to take all the Bags Of Dicks to the Post Office. Plus I stopped by the Post Office ahead of time to let them know the sh*tshow that will be coming their way. This is how that absolutely lovely conversation went...

ME: Hi, just letting you know I'm coming by in a few days to drop off about 10,000 prepaid packages.

THEM: Oh really, wow, what are you sending?!

ME: Uhhh...bags of candy.

THEM: Huh, what kind of candy?!

ME: (whispers) dicks...

THEM:

ME:

This is going to be like a f*cked up version of that infamous courtroom scene from The Miracle On 34th Street. You know the one, where Santa's lawyer brings the Judge hundreds of thousands of letters to prove Santa's existence? Yep, just like that...except instead of letters it's dicks.

And finally, since my apartment is temporarily unlivable -- b/c it's filled with 1 Million dicks -- I've been crashing at my girlfriend's place. I think she's going through the 5 Stages Of Grief upon the news that her boyfriend is in the gummy dick business. She's currently on Stage 1: Denial.

Click here to send a free bag of dicks to Kanye or Bieber. For real. You have until the end of day April 1!!

Top 18 People Who Should Eat A Bag Of Dicks March 18, 2015 08:01

Below is our list of the Top 18 people in your life who need to eat a bag of *gummy* dicks right now, voted on by our wonderful email subscribers who had nothing better to do than participate in our dumb survey.

18. The team that ruined your entire March Madness bracket on Day 1.

17. Your friend who eats like crap but still looks like this:

 16. Spoiled 'real housewives' with empty souls.

15. Social media creepers who 'Like' photos you posted over a year ago.

14. The dick who invented Black Friday. Behold, mankind at our finest.

13. Dicks who are dicks for no reason whatsoever.

<cat attack gif>

12. Dicks who litter or don't recycle.

11. Your OCD roommate. You couldn't care less how to "properly" fold the hand towels.

10. Your slob of a roommate. Their dirty dishes have been "soaking" for 2 weeks and counting.

9. Fans who take sports wayyyyy too seriously.

 8. Foodies. Put down the camera and eat your goddamn meal already.

7. Every other driver on the road. They're all terrible.

6. Yourself, for having too many drinks last night. Just one more shot, they said. You'll be fine, they said.

5. Crossfitters.

4. The CEO of Target. We enter your store to buy toothpaste and leave spending $100. Everytime.

3. Hipsters. No surprise here.

2. People who take themselves too seriously. Take a page from TSwift or JLaw -- they give zero f*cks.

1. Your BFF. Because s/he has a badass sense of humor, and gummy dicks are actually quite delicious.