Justin Bieber & Kanye West Will Receive 500,000 Dicks For April Fools March 29, 2015 12:30
UPDATE 04/02/2015: The world has spoken. With 2,731 Bags Of Dicks to 2,319 Justin Bieber has bested Kanye West. Congrats to Justin and Beliebers everywhere!!
Click here to send a free bag of dicks to Kanye or Bieber. For real. You have until the end of day April 1!!
For April Fools over 5,000 Bags Of Dicks will be shipped to Justin Bieber and Kanye West with notes that say "Eat a bag of dicks", the result of our "Buy One Give One" promotion inspired by our survey of 3,000 email subscribers who voted that both Bieber and Yeezy should eat the most Bags Of Dicks this year.
5,000 Bags Of Dicks x 100 candy dicks in each bag = 500,000 dicks. Let that sink in for a moment...HALF A MILLION F*CKING DICKS.
300 calories in each bag = 1,500,000 CALORIES OF DICK.
My life has become candy dicks. I feel like Scrooge McDuck, but instead of gold coins I'm swimming in dicks.
My apartment has become unlivable. I have over 200 loaded boxes piled throughout what used to be a peaceful residence. That's 10,000 Bags Of Dicks which equals 1 MILLION DICKS IN MY HOME.
Here's a video tour; it's like an even crappier version of MTV Cribs. *Spoiler alert* No "magic happens" -- just loads of boxes of candy dicks.
I had to reserve a moving truck in order to take all the Bags Of Dicks to the Post Office. Plus I stopped by the Post Office ahead of time to let them know the sh*tshow that will be coming their way. This is how that absolutely lovely conversation went...
ME: Hi, just letting you know I'm coming by in a few days to drop off about 10,000 prepaid packages.
THEM: Oh really, wow, what are you sending?!
ME: Uhhh...bags of candy.
THEM: Huh, what kind of candy?!
ME: (whispers) dicks...
This is going to be like a f*cked up version of that infamous courtroom scene from The Miracle On 34th Street. You know the one, where Santa's lawyer brings the Judge hundreds of thousands of letters to prove Santa's existence? Yep, just like that...except instead of letters it's dicks.
And finally, since my apartment is temporarily unlivable -- b/c it's filled with 1 Million dicks -- I've been crashing at my girlfriend's place. I think she's going through the 5 Stages Of Grief upon the news that her boyfriend is in the gummy dick business. She's currently on Stage 1: Denial.